How do you love when you feel unloved?

LoveSelfThe most important aspect of love is not in the giving or the receiving: it’s in the being.”

~ Ram Dass

A couple of weeks ago I asked the women of my “ms50plus” Facebook page to suggest topics for discussion on my forthcoming Youtube channel.

The topic suggested by one lady was “How do you love when you feel unloved.”

My first thought was “Oh my God how do I answer that one? It’s too hard!”. And indeed, it has taken me rather longer than I intended to write this post.

The question resonated with me because I’ve heard it asked before.

So here is my take on this topic!

Once we start thinking of love in terms of giving and receiving, a certain amount of imbalance comes into play. I believe this may be where the original question is born – how do we love when we feel unloved?

The headline quote above by Ram Dass comes from an article that speaks of this imbalance. It points out that there is a difference between the ego and the soul when it comes to love.

Our culture has come to view love as a relational quality of ego, whereas soul wants to “be” love, not give or receive it as ego expects to happen.

The key here is getting back to basics and understanding the source of love in the first place. In a nutshell, the source of love is you.

I know you’ve heard this before and it probably sounds overly clichéd by now, but no one outside of you can make you feel loved. No one.

Take a moment to think about that.

We are all connected to Love (Source), but life has become so far removed from the memory of it that the way back is all but lost and forgotten.

If it is true that the only means of truly experiencing love is by way of our own perception of it, of “being love”, then how can we make this happen?

How do we take the advice of the Sages and “be love” as the quote suggests is possible?

Dr Joe Dispenza suggests a 3 pronged habit to develop and put into action before you even leave your bed in the morning. I personally love this because I love my bed in the morning, so not only is this tip valuable but I get to stay in bed to do it! Here are the instructions for those of you who won’t have time to read his article which I’ve linked to at the bottom of this post…

1. On wakening every morning ask yourself the following question; “What is the greatest ideal of myself that I can be today?” If you’re like me, you might have trouble with this at first but it becomes easier on consecutive mornings. Following the next step will help…

2. Close your eyes and in the greatest detail possible, imagine your ideal self. Allow yourself to imagine wildly here. Go back 20 or 30 years – what was your ideal of yourself then? Has it changed or developed since then? Can you relate to it? What would you have to do today to move a step closer to that ideal of yourself? Are you already living any part of your ideal? Can you build on that?

3. When you really feel like that ideal of yourself (and not before) get up and live your day. This, says Dr Dispenza, is when you are conditioning the mind and body to work together. This is when you have power. The previous two steps initiated a change in your mindset – this one locks it into place.

Science today accepts that mind and body are interconnected. It also accepts that your brain can change and make new connections if you establish new habits. In fact Dr Dispenza has written a book about it – “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself”. The three steps above encourage you to break free of your old morning routine and start the day with high ideals for yourself locked into your brain. By starting your day this way you are “loving yourself enough” and you’re not even out of bed yet!

There is much more to this in Dr Joe’s article and I encourage you to read it via the link below, especially if you are into amazing facts about our brains and how we can use our mind to transform our world. Personally I believe that the motivation to follow any instruction is much higher when you understand the “why” behind it – go read about it!

I do these 3 steps every day now. At first I realised that I didn’t even have an ideal of myself and it’s been fun creating one. There is no limit here. Give yourself permission to create the person you want to be in your head whilst in bed, feel her presence and walk through the day being her.

This is loving yourself. Being “in love”. Radiate it. You’ll blow your own mind and shift your world.

On a personal level I can say that I have had my own experience of making the shift from “feeling” love (or lack of it) to “being” love, though I should add that I am no Sage in this matter – I still inhabit the lower rungs of that particular developmental ladder.

For many years I judged the quality of love that a partner had to offer by his words, his actions or the essence of himself when in my presence. These were my rules, my beliefs.

It’s not very long ago (and after a great deal of loss and pain) that I finally got it – my rules had a history, a “raison dêtre”, and were born out of past events and circumstances that were no longer relevant to the situation.

It was perfectly acceptable for me to change or abandon them.

I am not suggesting that we should accept abusive behaviour or tolerate the results of poor communication in a relationship. There is a difference between a “bad” relationship and a “broken” one . One can be fixed, the other should be canned.

So what about the topic; “how do we love when we feel unloved?”.

I do not know the circumstances of the Lady who asked the question, and though it is tempting to guess or make assumptions I can only relate to my own experience and that of the various authors I have read on the topic.

I know that my own journey from ego love to soul love is ongoing, lengthy and highly personal. It has necessitated confronting fear and developing trust and faith in myself. This takes time and often a great deal of energy, but it is highly rewarding to witness courage developing in oneself.

Remember – you do not need to think in terms of giving or receiving love. This way of loving can easily lead to feelings of resentment and pain, not to mention inequity and low self esteem.

The answer lies in learning to be your own source of love.  This might seem lonely, simplistic and naive but trust me – it works.

I have so much more peace in my world now regardless of who or what is going on around me. Yes, I still have the occasional spat, but it simmers down very quickly and I get back to my centre.

I truly hope I have touched on something helpful here – this was a difficult topic to discuss on one post. Please leave comments if you would like to have a say of any kind – I welcome all feedback. Thank you for reading, it is such a privilege to write for you.

Below are links to further reading on and around this topic. Please note I am not affiliated with any of these authors. Links will lead you away from this site which is intentional on my part – you never know what other interesting information and experiences you might find there! Enjoy!

1. Link to Ram Dass article “Being Love”
2. Link to Dr Joe Dispenza article “Creating the Greatest Ideal of Yourself” :
I found this article practical and helpful in the quest for information on how to start “being the love” that we truly are…some really exciting neuroscience in here!

3. Also a great read – “Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson

4. And by Dr Wayne Dyer “The Shift: Taking your Life from Ambition to Meaning”


Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

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